Step One – Learn To Like Yourself

This is a vital part of your confidence.  If you do not like yourself you cannot achieve true confidence.  You must start to appreciate all the things you like about yourself.  At first, you may find it hard to think of things you admire about yourself or think of things that you do well and have a talent for.  Most of us have been taught from a very young age that self-appreciation is selfish and arrogant and boastful.  We are not talking about any of those “negative” traits here – we are simply referring to developing a healthy appreciation for ourselves, a gratitude for our uniqueness.  Sure, there might be things about yourself that you do not like or wish to change, but these should never blind you to truly liking yourself.  No one is perfect – as humans we can never expect to be perfect!

Step Two – Choose Your Thoughts With Care

You are what you think about and you and only you control your thoughts – no one else, not your partner, your boss, your parents, your friends.  Only you.  And because of that it is your task to choose your thoughts carefully.  Confidence building requires optimistic thoughts.  Now, many pessimistic people view optimism as unrealistic or even childish.  Pessimistic and negative thoughts simply make you feel miserable about everything and yet those negative thoughts were chosen and have most likely become a habit.  Scientists have calculated that the average adult has around 90,000 thoughts each day, of which 60,000 are repetitive.  So it seems we are thinking the same thoughts over and over.  Surely it is best to choose positive, optimistic, affirmative thoughts?  Get into the habit of using affirmations.  These are positive statements that can change your negative thinking habits for the better.  The right affirmations, such as “I am a confident person” or “I have the perfect job” can leave you feeling uplifted and yes – confident!

Step Three – Observe Confident People

A great way of confidence building is to observe the actions, habits and words of truly confident people.  Let them be your mentors and learn from them.  Listen to how they speak and how they behave.  Some people are innately confident but there are many more that have made the decision to become confident.  Both types are worthwhile mentors. 

Step Four – Select Your Influences

None of us can avoid being exposed to outside opinions and influences such as friends, family, politicians, television programmes, the internet and newspapers.  But what you can do is to be aware of what influences you and to make choices about the influences you select.  Instead of listening to the doom and gloom on the television news each night, decide to read an inspirational biography of someone you admire.  Or watch a comedy show instead.  Listen to recordings of affirmations and begin to limit the amount of negative messages you hear around you.  Remember that pessimism zaps your confidence so limit it as much as possible in your life.

Step Five – Be Wary Of Comparisons

Our competitive society seems to demand that we compare ourselves with others.  Often, we are made to feel that we are, in some way, lacking or not good enough.  Comparing yourself unfavourably to someone is the quickest way to put a halt to your confidence building.  Not only is this comparison a waste of time but it is often damaging. No one has the perfect life; everyone has problems of some sort regardless of whether they have beauty, money or fame.  Don’t put other people on pedestals – it is not a position they deserve or ask for.  Remind yourself again as to why you like yourself and if you must compare yourself with someone, ensure that it is a person who inspires you, someone who possesses the qualities of confidence that you are building for yourself.  Acquiring confidence requires you to break the habit of comparing yourself poorly to others and to start to realise how very lucky and blessed you are in contrast to so many other people in the world.

Confidence building is a process that takes time but if you put the effort in and follow the five steps, you will soon be on your way to acquiring the sort of self-esteem you admire in others.  In time, you could also become a mentor to someone who wishes to increase their confidence.

All humans are in fact born with a natural inclination to be empathetic. This instinct is visible in young children who clearly show distress when they hear another baby crying. At some level they can identify with another’s distress and discomfort and it has an effect upon their own mood. And so even a baby has the ability to put themselves in another baby’s shoes – they show empathy, without trying. It’s an inherent part of a baby’s nature.

As we grow, our nature develops as we learn from our carers. We imitate their actions, reactions and mannerism; we learn how to cope with life situations as they show us their pattern of coping strategies. We learn how to regulate our emotions. It has been observed that babies of just a few months in age will mirror their mothers’ moods, and where the mother is depressed this results in the baby displaying much less spontaneity or interest.

Where a parent or carer guides a child to be ever more aware of the impact one may have on another, that child will become steadily more empathetic. If, on the other hand, a child is not shown how to contain their emotions, or not guided in the direction of empathy, a very different pattern unfolds. A child learns about themselves and about life in general from their individual and unique experiences. Each child has their own basic temperament at birth, and this is tempered by experience and adapts to the experiences and circumstances faced.

A baby has an instinctive need for attention and approval. There is a need for eye contact and human touch. In one terrible experiment which was devised and executed many years ago, this need was demonstrated in a very harsh way. Babies were placed in two groups – one group had all the “basic needs” of food, water, being changed, etc fulfilled, but no eye contact and no “unnecessary” touch, love or hugs. The other babies were given eye contact, love and affection as well as the other so-called “basic needs”. The babies in the first group had trouble in growing, some even died. A dramatic and terrible way in which to prove the need for human affection in our lives.

One of the most important things in life is the ability to create and to maintain good relationships. As we grow up the basic perceptions which we form about ourselves are based on the reactions of the people around us. Studies of feral children have shown that parts of our brains don’t even develop when deprived of human interaction.

Human interaction, and the building of relationships, is a basic necessity to comfortable human existence. Our perceptions of ourselves are formed, generally, in the first seven years of our life. If we have parents or carers who are emotionally aware and contain their own emotions well, they set a comfortable and positive example for the child to copy; and copy the child does. That’s how we learn virtually everything in life, through mimicking and copying. The emotional experiences we have in these first few years create a blue print for later life, for later relationships.

If you did not have the right kind of love and affection whilst growing up you will most likely have developed an insecure attachment pattern. But, no matter what age you are, or how deep rooted that pattern may be, what can be learned can be unlearned and replaced with a more positive relationship blueprint.

Hypnosis is a wonderful tool which enables deep rooted change to take place. Hypnosis is normal and natural; it is a state of relaxation and allows access to your subconscious mind. With hypnosis you can access that part of your mind which was so open to suggestion as a child, and so hypnotic suggestions can be made which will undo negative patterns of thought and belief. Instead powerful hypnotic suggestions can be made to build up your inner confidence, to increase you ability to create loving and close relationships. You really can change your beliefs about yourself as you open your mind to the possibilities which hypnosis allows.

You can even do this in the comfort of your own home, by using hypnosis downloads. You can obtain hypnosis confidence downloads from the internet and as you listen to them you will find that you can easily feed your inner child with the thoughts, beliefs, feelings and expectations which previously seemed to be unreachable. Hypnosis confidence downloads are incredibly powerful.

Some people are scared of the idea of hypnosis but this is only because they do not know what it is. It’s normal and natural, and creates a wonderful feeling of relaxation and calmness. You can get a free hypnosis download from my website and try it for yourself if you like.

Roseanna Leaton, specialist in hypnosis downloads for hypnosis confidence. http://www.RoseannaLeaton.com

Your self image affects how you challenge yourself. A confident outlook inspires you to tackle more difficult goals. It also affects other people’s opinion of you and therefore how they react to you.

How you see yourself in your mind’s eye shapes your future – it’s the closest thing to a self-fulfilling prophesy you’ll ever come across. If you see yourself as capable, in control, ready to take on new challenges and responsibilities – then you are well on the way to becoming that type of person.

As Orison Swett Marden said: “There can be no great courage where there is no confidence or assurance, and half the battle is in the conviction that we can do what we undertake.” and “Walk, talk and act as though you were a somebody, and you are more likely to become such.”

Self confidence can be simply inborn (until or unless the hard knocks of life diminish it) but more often is built through personal experiences. Succeeding in small endeavors inclines us to attempt bigger and grander things, and further achievement boosts the level of confidence still higher. So, one way to build confidence is to tackle new things, gradually increasing in difficulty. This is similar to the way you might train a muscle through lifting progressively heavier weights.

But there is a purely mental approach, too. You enlist the help of your subconscious. Positive self-talk is absolutely essential to building confidence. Successful people condition themselves to bombard their subconscious with their desired goals and self-image. The subconscious then has no chance to absorb anything except these confidence-boosting messages. The subconscious doesn’t question anything. It simply accepts, then acts on whatever it is told. This may be why children who are repeatedly told by their parents and teachers that they are lazy, clumsy or sullen act accordingly and reinforce that trait. On the other hand, those who are repeatedly told that they are clever, capable, and a pleasure to be around, also live up to that message. Comments from other people may carry a particular influence, especially if these are respected or authority figures – but can still be overwhelmed by consistent, frequent, powerful inner messages.

To make the inner message as strong as possible, it requires more than just the repetition of key phrases within the privacy of your own thoughts. Attaching strongly felt emotions and, if at all possible, speaking the words out loud makes them infinitely more effective. You don’t have to become a table-thumping, red in the face maniac shouting “I can do this!” to reap the rewards of this technique. Try something like “I lead a charmed life – I’m the luckiest person I know and I count my blessings every day. I look for the fun in every situation and I find myself laughing easily. I enjoy myself and make the most of every opportunity.” While you’re saying the words, create a mental picture of yourself in a happy situation, enjoying the success you have earned. Of course, you’ll need to construct a script tailored to your own circumstances, but remember that even if what your affirmation says is totally at odds with where you are today – it won’t stay like that for long. Your subconscious will soon take notice of where you want to go and start moving you in that direction. Once you’re happy with your own affirmations, recite them at least twice daily, out loud, putting as much emotion into the recitation as possible.

If affirmations sound completely alien to you, and you feel “that’s just not for me” – there is still a simple, effective way to use positive self talk. As an absolute minimum, every time you hear yourself questioning your ability to do something, immediately recall a time where, in similar circumstances, you obtained the result you were aiming for. Make the memory as real as possible – including the feeling of elation at your accomplishment. Then make the connection – “I did that. I can do this, too.”

One of the most obvious signs of a lack of self-confidence is the inability to be able to look people in the eye for long periods when talking to them.  Eye contact reveals a lot about you including your honesty or hostility or your enthusiasm or disinterest.   If you can’t look people in the eye, you appear to be underconfident, people can think you are concealing something or that you are just not interested in them and what they are saying.

Anyone can improve their eye contact through practice.  The best place to start is with friends and family.  If you have children, notice how their attention increases if you read them a story with occasional eye contact as opposed to no eye contact. 

However, be careful not to develop an unrelenting stare since this sort of eye contact can conveys arrogance or hostility.  Better to try and aim for a balance between zero and constant eye contact.  This you can do by briefly alternating periods of eye-to-eye contact with shifting your gaze.

If you find yourself in a situation where you need to speak to more than one person at a time, you must remember to make contact and connect with each individual person in turn through separate eye contact.  Larger groups can be more tricky but by working your way through different parts of the audience with direct eye contact it’s amazing how much more attentive your audience will be and how much more respect and credibility you will gain.

Eyes can talk, smile and express all sorts of emotions so remember to use them to their best advantage.  A make-up lesson can add still further confidence.

It is the job of the leader to select projects that will contribute to an overall sense of success within his team. By starting with projects that the team all believes will be successful a leader is able to raise the level of confidence for the next project. Over time the confidence of a team can be built to a point that it can complete a project that would have been a failure previously. A series of projects can be completed easily and successfully when they are ordered in such a way to build confidence while the same projects can all be complete failures when done in a different order.

The first project should very easy. Historically nations have built monuments to remind them of their success. While it might not be appropriate to create a sculpture or triumphal arch for every project, some projects serve as trophies themselves. Once a team has had some success, the difficulty of their projects can increase drastically. When leadership attempts to paint a failure as if it was really a success or just hide it completely it often amplifies the failure instead of minimizing it.

Ignoring this gradual approach to more and more difficult projects is on of the major reason leaders fail. Obviously the market forces and other driving factors of an organization may make it impossible to do things in the best possible order. But the skilled leader should be able to take larger projects and break them down into tasks that are very doable. In this way you can achieve the organizations immediate goals and still give your team the ability to build confidence even when you don’t have complete control over what needs done next or enough ramp up time to do things in the way you would prefer.

In teaching voice improvement, I have found through the years that those whose speaking voices are weak or wimpy very often follow through with an equally limp handshake.

And, those whose voices express timidity often do not get the coveted job or the promotion because the image they project is not one of confidence. To have a speaking voice that exudes confidence and authority is a tremendous asset. To have a speaking voice that sounds rich, warm and resonant is a fantastic tool: people want to listen when you speak. When Vin Diesel opens his mouth, we want to listen to him; when James Earl Jones talks, we are drawn to him; when Kathleen Turner speaks, we are enamored.

Recently I had the opportunity of working with Rob, a man who came to me because of his very soft, timid speaking voice. His handshake, however, belied his unassertive voice. Firm, confident and strong, this man’s grip told me so much about him that his voice was unable to convey.

Because the majority of the population is unaware that they can improve their voice, they often speak with a sound that is incompatible with the rest of their image. There are so many wonderful resonant speaking voices that we’re not hearing because most people don’t know of the ‘hidden treasure’ they have inside.

After showing Rob how to tap into his ‘hidden treasure,’ I heard a voice that matched his confident handshake. Was his voice assertive? Without a doubt – however, as much as he sounded authoritative and confident, his voice was not overbearing or loud.

I don’t like loud. Loud hurts your listener’s ears and in time it can not hurt your throat and those delicate vocal cords. When I work with a client I show them how to increase their volume properly without shouting or yelling. The result is a larger voice, a bigger voice, but not a loud voice.

Today, competition in the work force is greater than it has ever been. If your voice can project a dynamic image, then you are one step ahead of your competition.

Incidentally, within two hours of showing Rob how to place his voice properly, he was thrilled with the results. This man came into my studio sounding insecure and diffident; he left with a voice that matched his handshake – confident, assured, assertive, and able.

What does your handshake say about you?

What does your voice say about you?